"Attack of the Super-Mice and other short stories"- installments 1 & 2

"Attack of the Super-Mice and other short stories" is a compilation drawn from the experiences of fellow ´walk hards´(thanks Chen) Christopher Butler and Dale Maxwell-Smith over the last month or so and believe it or not the events, people and places detailed below are based on the truth ( give or take a little exaggeration) and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely due to the boundless talent of myself, the author.

1. Extreme Sports Calendar Model

Travelling though the Patagonian Andes provides more options for extreme sports than you may at first realise. Of course there are the obvious and dare I say ... boring ´traditional´sports involving skiing, snow boarding, jumping out of, or off high things, white water rafting etc etc, but what you may not have realised is that there is a whole world of diverse and interesting extreme sports out there just waiting to be discovered. The first of these sports I wish to share with you is commonly referred to as YAK-ING!!! and was first invented in China. Whilst originally requiring a Yak sighting in order to begin, it can now be played in the vicinity of Glaciers, Guanacos and generally anything that can be yelled in an amusing way. First decide on a call (eg ´Glaciers´ is called in a psuedo soprano voice aimed at breaking a piece of ice off) then venture into an area where you will see numerous examples of the chosen object/animal and upon sighting... let your call ring out, as loud as possible, to warn the person standing next to you! In the case of animals, the sighting of a product/s made from the animal can also be included.

Another extreme sport which is a little more demanding and also requires more in the way of equipment and natural conditions is ´Last Defence Insomnia Tent Whacking.´ The aim of this sport is to put oneself in a position of extreme vulnerability to wild animals, we suggest in the middle of nowhere in a tent with several days food inside as a good place to start. A popular trekking campsite at the end of the season ensures you will get hungry animals used to the kind of food you are carrying and practiced at getting it (see Attack of the Super-Mice for more info). Lay down in the tent with your eyes closed and listen for the animals converging upon you with slavering jaws, wait for the exact moment that the animal makes contact with the tent and then.... Whack!!! You may whack with any part of the body and for the famous, though hard to execute, double front move zip yourself into a sleeping bag with another player and wait for a 2 fronted attack then both lash out with all limbs. Both players must make contact with the tent without accidently killing the other. A dangerous alternative is to allow the animal to gain some height on the tent before whacking so as to increase the effect of the hit. Be warned a pre-condition of this sport is that you are awake all night, this is a high stakes game and failure is known to have reduced men to ghosts of themselves.

My favourite sport however, perhaps because whilst boys can play at its most basic level, its really one for the girls, is ´Extreme Sports Urination´. This sport may sound simple but there are many subtleties which can take a lifetime to master. The main premise for this sport is to pee successfully in an extreme situation. Degrees of extremity are dictated by the position required, current environmental and weather conditions, clothing and amount being carried and of course.... the most important; how good is the view? Participants may find themselves negotiating full piece swimsuits (dont ask) beneath full goretex trekking gear and a 16kg pack on a practically vertical alpine meadow in high wind conditions with a view over snow covered mountains and glacial lakes (a scenario which may or may not have actually taken place). Basically when trekking to all these awe inspiring places fueled on TANG (cordial -with vitamins-in powder form which can be put in ones hydration pack and comes in exciting flavours like pink grapefruit; conspiciously absent from Australian supermarket shelves, there have been whisperings of a Cottees conspiracy) you will need to go (often) so why not make an adventure out of it (chances are you wont have much choice).

There are many other extreme sports to be had.... In some places just about anything you do can be described as extreme even washing up (read glacial water so cold that frost bite is actually a possibility and making whooping noices a neccessity). Othertimes there are people who can make almost anything extreme such as drinking milo on a bus travelling up the infamous ruta 40 (read Chris incapable of holding a cup of boiling liquid in a moving vehicle without dissolving into hysterics because of something to do with Guanacos).

The point is, there are just so many new and exciting extreme sports in Patagonia that everyone can take part....

Yes you! Extreme Sports Calendar Model!

2. Attack of the Super-Mice
Aka `Rodents of Darkness´

Our intrepid militia members have battled the elements to bring disturbing secret intelligence to the attention of all and sundry. Intelligence which is whispered about between trekkers in the south but to date has not been heard outside of that distant land.

`Mice´previously classed: enemy; threat minimal; disgusting dirty rodents which chew holes in things and carry diseases. should be reclassed as...
`Super-Mice´: enemy; threat high; disgusting dirty rodents which chew holes in things, carry diseases and have hereto underestimated capacities for a ´total war´situation capable of destroying not only the property and resources but also the sanity of militia who venture their territories.

UPON DETECTION: WHACK WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!

London Street Militia; Mobile Unit; South America; Patagonia
Armed against all possible weather conditions, injury, sickness, hunger, thirst, all the sorts of things one expects to encounter in the mountains, the mobile unit set out on their mission to walk in a big `Q´.

Base location: on the little sqiggly part of the `Q´.
Personnel status: passed out.
Some time in the middle of the first Torres del Paine night the `Super-Mice´ attacked, forcing the unit to withdraw packs and enter lock-down mode, only to face the fact that their base, although a lovely shade of blue with cute awning bits, was little barrier to the practiced nashy nashy bitey tactics of the hardened special operatives outside. Brigadier Butler quickly developed the counter offence refered to by some extreme sports nuts as ´Last Defence Insomnia Tent Whacking´, but it was found to be less offensive (and rather less defensive) than was initially hoped and only temporarily prevented a breach of the base wall whilst taking a considerable toll on the militia member´s nerves. Mice were whacked from not only the sides of the base but also, on occasion, sent flying from the top. The battle raged on until dawn when the enemy retreated, and a thorough inventory of damages could be completed. To their despair it was found that there was a hole in the base and that a heavy duty plastic bag liner had been substantially ingested (The unit was forced to confront the total war attack strategy and possible insanity of their foe; not only did the bag not contain food, it was neither near, nor had ever been in contact with anything more appetising than dirty boots.And these mice climb tents!)
Over porridge it was discovered that other combatants in the region had faired even worse and that militia pride could remain intact, a situation that would repeat itself over the next few weeks as the full extent of the evil Super-Mice´s plans for world domination became apparent.

Enemy Operations are heard the following 2 nights but defences are improved and no casualities sustained.

Base location: beneath the pointy rocks.
Personnell Status: passed out
After walking an exhausting 22km our militia came face to face, or rather foot to foot with an LP `gradual ascent´ which, aside from containing some descents designed to snap kneecaps, could put toned thighs on a tooth pick. (Dear Lonely Planet, *%*#! your`gradual ascents´!!!!
Yours sincerely, Wing Commander Maxwell-Smith) Sensing weakness, the Super-Mice launch a full scale attack on the weary unit who only just manage (or so they think) to keep the enemy combatants from storming the base.
... A pre-dawn start to see the pointy rocks change colour means that the unit returns to base at 2pm hungry for green spiral pasta and scheduled R&R, only to find that the Super-Mice inflicted more damage than originally realised. In fact, pumped up on some kind of Super-Mouse adrenalin, the enemy has employed a `Saturation Biting´technique aimed at causing massive collateral damage including biting through a pack and ripping open as many bags as possible taking only a small bite from each. Initial plans to salvage the 3-4 days food affected are abandoned on the discovery that, although unlikley, these crazed mice could have developed bio-weapons known as Hantavirus. All possibly contaminated food is discarded and a fullscale cleanup program begun.

From this point on skirmishes are an almost nightly occurance but the militia have become a tough, experienced unit, skilled in the arts of mouse whacking and although purple shadows are visible under their eyes, there is the shine of victory as well. Stories of those less fortunate (and less alert) are heard. Mice in tents, mice on tents, mice destroying food in tents, mice destroying food in tents hung from trees, mice ripping through bags & tents & sanity)

Needless to say, the militia unit survives and although battle weary, returns safely to civilisation.

Base location: under an erratic (look it up)
Personnel status: drinking
Mice are spotted near base in Argentina. They display the insane qualities of the `Super-Mouse´obviously incapable of fear, not moving away from either people or lights. The base is locked down and with the help of a light dusting of snow, successfully defended.

Base location: in the snow
Personnel status: cold
High level `Super-Mouse´activity heard. Smelly foxes and snow combine with practiced defence techniques to help keep base. Evidence of large scale operations found in the snow.

Base location: in the snow with a million dollar view of pointy rocks
Personnel status: cooking
They were toying with us! Unit comes under fire earlier than usual with the `Super-Mice´ launching kamakazi style attacks in an attempt to get behind the lines which are defended ferociously by the militia with a fluoro orange poo-trowel. Although efforts to chop one in half fail, the weapon proves useful for scooping and throwing. For any normal mouse surely being picked up and dashed against rocks and snow would be enough to deter them at least until the big person with the orange trowel had gone to sleep; not so for `Super-Mice´who continued to launch themselves at the front entrance to the base. Militia took shifts to maintain an alert defence, but the enemy foiled plans for sleep with a second front and a new technique of tunneling under the base, at times literally beneath pillows. Despite valient efforts they refused to be deterred and were able to breach the bases defences to get a small amount of misplaced milo. Militia rose at dawn with the haunted eyes of the war damaged. They wearily pulled on their frozen boots for the last time, determined to escape back to town and mumbling incoherently with Kurtz like lack of reason "Exterminate all the brutes!"

Before leaving they stop to chat with 2 french men and discover that weary as they may be, their hardened alertness and semi effective anti nashy nashy bitey whacks have protected them from the worst that the `Super-Mice´can inflict. One man had spent the night with mice free-falling in on him through holes they had biten in the top of his tent and had at one point been (wildly and mostly in vain) grabbing at 5 or 6 running round inside pack and sleeping bag.

The horror! The horror!